When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears
and
delivers them out of all their troubles.
The Lord is near to the
brokenhearted
and
saves the crushed in spirit.
Psalm 37:17-18
Twenty-five. This past May we should have been celebrating the 25th birthday of our son or daughter. However, there was no birthday get together. No cake. No candles.
In the fall of 1998, we received the happy news that we were going to have a baby! We were over the moon excited. It was fun to plan, discuss possible names and to dream of what he or she would be like, what he or she would grow up to be. We even announced it in our Christmas letter to everyone! The day after we mailed out our Christmas cards those dreams ended with a miscarriage. The end of October 1999 we went through it again. Then came no more pregnancies and medical issues, etc. instead.
Not going to lie. Over the years there’s been plenty of tears shed. Lots of questioning God. Some seasons of quiet or hidden depression—doing my day to day stuff but feeling numb and so much hurt and anger inside. Well meaning people said things that really didn’t help—just caused more hurt. Most days are okay. However, waves of grief have and will hit sometimes out of nowhere. Who knew all these years later there would still be a hurting heart. But the past few years a new round of some sadness will hit—not only will we never be called mom and dad by a child of our own, but we will never have the joy of having grandchildren. There are a few other reasons why the whole not having children or grandchildren has been less than fun to deal with.
It did take a few years after the 2nd miscarriage, but I finally got to the point where I could pray and told God that however best He can use me/us—with or without kids—was fine. He just needed to give me the grace and strength needed to get through the hard times.
Over the years I have been asked how I can still say God is good, how can I still believe in Him, how can I still trust Him just based on all of this alone. How can I still praise Him, love Him and not turn my back on Him. There were dark days. There are times it’s a struggle. Our hearts are sad knowing we will never celebrate the birthday of our own children or grandchildren. It’s hard knowing we don’t have children or grandchildren to call on as we get older. But God is good. He is near to the brokenhearted. He holds us fast. He is my source of strength. He is faithful. He is my peace.
I don’t post this to ask for sympathy or pity but to encourage others. Life does not always turn out like we hope it will. Dreams are crushed. Things don’t go the way we want. But as a Christ follower, I can honestly say I would not want to do life without Him! He has been my rock, my hope, my strength. He understands my heartache. I’m thankful for His love, for His grace. If life is hard, cry out to Jesus. Cling to Him. He will see you through.
